Archetype Four: “The Scattered Self-Improver”

I can’t help liking this guy. He’s ambitious and is always juggling a few different projects. He’s always learning new things and works out almost every day. He might sing karaoke, study martial arts, attend motivational seminars, volunteer for good causes, learn different languages, and train his dog to do tricks.

In his free time, he might create 3-D animations, or build a boat. Have I forgotten anything? Oh, yes. He also likes to think of himself as a “pickup artist.”

This guy appears to have an interesting, rich life. The challenge lies in his inherent superficiality. The reason, strangely enough, is the same as with the previous archetype: fear of reality.

The difference is that while the Brainwashed guy is hindered by what society and the media tell him is the “best,” the Scattered Self-Improver is constantly trying to distract himself.

He goes out on a lot of first dates. He rarely gets a second date: he seems to lose interest in that woman, or he can’t find time to see her again, or (more often than not) she finds his lifestyle overwhelming and feels intimidated by his well-rounded greatness.

Even when he gets to have a relationship with a woman, it hardly lasts longer than a few weeks.

A solution? Tone it down. Less is more. We cannot be all things at once. Sacrifice the numbers for the sake of depth. Make choices.

Over the last few years, I’ve worked with hundreds of men on improving and in many cases, radically transforming their romantic lives. At least a half of these men were born in the 1960s or earlier.

I measure the success of what I do by what my students consider their personal breakthroughs. I’m proud to say that my success rate, when it comes to helping men achieve a greater level of success with women, is over 90 percent.

I never expect to have absolute success in all cases: I know how life works and do not suffer from obsessive perfectionism. I’m pleased with the somewhat imperfect consistency of the results of my teaching.

So before I wrap up this chapter, let me share with you a few successful case studies (since I get to choose whom I tell you about, I guess I will just brag about the most interesting ones). The names of the characters in these stories, and certain personal details, are changed for the sake of their privacy.

Gene, a resident ofLondonand a professional magazine editor, recently came to visit me inNew York. He was a 57-year-old widower and a father of three adult children.

We spent five days together a period of intensive training, during which I got Gene to observe me in action as I approached dozens of women in bookstores, museums, shopping centers, coffee houses, parks, and in the streets. After that, it was Gene’s turn to show me what he can do.

Most of the women Gene met during those days were considerably younger than he was. Gene was painfully shy during the first couple of days, and we shared a few dramatic moments when our teacher/student relationship was tested by fire and ice. Eventually, he managed to open up, and after the third day of training on things began to go much better for him. In the beginning, he learned to approach women and open conversations with the simplest “excuse me.”

By the end of his training with me he could consistently get phone numbers, using the elegant, hard-to refuse tactic: “I’d like you to have my phone number… and I want yours, of course”. Gene sent a gentlemanly text message “I’m glad I met you” to each of the women whose numbers he got, invited the ones who responded to meet him later on the same day, went out with one of the youngest of those women, ended up making out in her place, and was an hour late for our final night training session in a bar.

Today, several months after Gene and I met, he is dating a woman in her thirties a journalist like himself. From what I understand, Gene is not planning to marry her, and yet he speaks of her as a hopefully permanent romantic partner.

Another example would be Robert, 46 years old and African American, who lives inChicagoand works in the medical field. The challenge he faced was of a different sort: he was dating a very attractive woman in her early twenties, and yet he suffered from a nagging sense that he didn’t deserve to be with someone like her.

My work with Robert began to feel closer to that of a therapist than a courtship instructor but I don’t really do therapy, so instead I chose to address my new friend’s self-doubts by “reconnecting” him with womankind through field practice.

Robert and I spent a couple of days chatting with every attractive young woman we could find inChicago, in every place we could think of: bookstores, shopping malls, coffee houses, a bus terminal, even inside a Catholic temple.

I enjoyed seeing young women attracted to Robert wherever we went, and noticed how he began to blossom in the awareness of his masculine charm.

Robert had no approach anxiety and was a naturally great communicator. In the Art Institute of Chicago he approached an attractive young blonde, started a conversation about a surrealist painting she was observing, and ended up cruising the museum with her, his arm around her waist. To match him, I found a girl for myself.

Each time Robert and I passed each other with our beautiful companions, we exchanged conspiratorial nods or winks… until the girls figured us out and started laughing.

Then we made the introduction. The four of us had dinner together, and agreed to meet again later. After that, Robert and I discussed the events of the last two days, sharing a six-pack of Guinness in my hotel room. Robert told me that he began to see women’s ready interest in him as something to be expected.

My job was pretty much done. We ended up celebrating on a Saturday night in a bar on top of Water Tower. The girls from the Art Institute were there with us.

My final example is Andrew, 41, a software engineer of Japanese descent fromToronto. He’s one of my favorite students, because he had a number of significant challenges to overcome yet he was determined to keep working on himself until he had achieved a new lifestyle, image, pattern of behaviors, and a new self-perception.

It took a while. When Andrew and I first met, he was overweight, slouching, and dreadfully dressed with non-existent conversational skills, a high-pitched voice, a gloomy disposition, and a terribly negative belief that “Asian men don’t get many chicks.” He had a great talent for triggering instant resistance in every woman he tried to approach.

By this point, he was pretty desperate. He hated his job, his apartment, and his body. It was obvious to me that the guy was not ready to get to the actual dating he had to take certain measures first, to prepare himself.

Before I began actually teaching him, I sent him back home with a few bits of advice: to throw away the coat that gave his shoulders sloping rounded shape, and to get instead a classic jacket that would underline the angular look a man’s shoulders must have; to get rid of the pleated corporate khaki pants he was wearing, and spend a couple hundred dollars on decent jeans. For the full measure, I threw in the mandate to get in shape and stand up straight.

When Andrew came back three months later, he was twenty pounds lighter (a result of a karate class he signed up for), and stood two inches taller thanks to his improved posture. He was dressed more stylishly, as well. Yes, these were definite improvements. We spent a day working on the way he moved. We didn’t approach a single woman that day; that part of the process would come later.

After he returned to Toronto, we started our weekly Yahoo Messenger sessions and over the next four months I taught him conversational skills. We started with the basics that Andrew confessed made him feel back in the elementary school again: we had to do it, because in Andrew’s speech even simple concise statements and elementary questions needed to be cleaned up.

We progressed through complex statements to my favorite simple and fun-to-learn verbal improvisation skills like 4-corner flirting, compliments and teasing, dynamic statement of intent, topical and emotional pivoting, free association, and eliciting erotic fantasies, and a few others.

Over time, Andrew developed the necessary “conversational comfort zone” he needed to feel confident enough to approach women. He came back toNew Yorkagain, and that’s when we finally began to test his skills in the field. I am very happy to say that Andrew has turned out to become an even greater ladies man than yours truly.

He found a much better job, and he’s taking voice lessons. When I met him again a few weeks ago, he radiated confidence and charm. He ended up getting back together with his ex-girlfriend, and the two of them are much tighter than before. Click here for Part 1.

Archetype One: “The 40 Year-Old Virgin”

This type of guy doesn’t necessarily need to be a virgin in the strict, sexual sense. By “virgin” I might also mean a guy who has managed to have a lot of stuff in his life handled well: he might have a great career, education, health, and spirituality, and yet he hasn’t dated much since college. Or, he might have been married for decades and recently divorced.

Perhaps his career kept him too occupied. One way or another, he’s reached a mature stage in his life in certain respects, but when it comes to dating/seducing women, he knows less than most men who are 10 or even 20 years younger than he is.

The greatest challenge for such “late beginner” lies in the sense of embarrassment of being a beginner at his age. But you’ve got to approach the process of learning pickup the way you would any other skill, such as learning to play a musical instrument; you set aside some time each day to learn and practice.

Archetype Two: “The Giver-Upper”

We all know guys who have a mundane daily routine working, eating, sleeping, running chores, going through the paces and slouching through it all, with little to look forward to or get excited about?

Like any of us, this guy had great dreams once, and had talents to match those dreams but at some point he gave up hope, and began to lose interest in life, and in himself?

Whatever it is that brings happiness and enthusiasm to the lives of other men, he figures it has passed him by it’s simply “too late” for him to experience those things.

And yet there is something still alive in that man’s soul, which makes him crave the companionship of a woman.

He believes the right relationship would make him happy.

Neurotic perfectionism is likely to be at the core of such a self-defeating attitude. This guy expects “all” or “nothing” of himself. Since “all” would not be plausible for anyone, he settles for “nothing.”

He’s facing a tough task of accepting and surviving his imperfection he can’t find a way to emerge from the cloud of denial he has enveloped himself in, and improve his situation and sense of self-worth.

All of the greatest things any of the greatest human beings ever achieved have the ordinary at their core. Embrace the ordinary: the brilliant people who make Apple computers are not as perfect as their product (and it’s not that perfect, either); Beethoven’s music is almost supernatural in its beauty, but the guy who composed those symphonies and quartets was just as imperfect in his humanity as any of us.

Join a gym. Free some time to do things you always dreamed of doing. Dare to be ordinary and yet dare to be as great as your dreams are. Wake up.

Archetype Three: “The Brainwashed”

This one is the toughest cookie. He defines reality by what he watches on TV, or reads in men’s magazines. He overlooks great women whose love would make any man proud, just because he believes that a man of his stature must date women with “model” looks.

His self-respect is based on the value of labels attached to things he owns, drives, wears, eats, or drinks. He finds safety in the brand. A woman is no more than a status symbol for him, even though he would deny it in public for the sake of political correctness.

Fear of reality drives this man. His case may be the most challenging, because he is not aware of his fear. This man has to slow down and face the fear. This is the only way for him to meet a woman he would actually be happy with.

Otherwise, he is bound to always take the wrong turn at the road fork of his destiny.

As a kid, Lance says he was the “prototypical skinny, Dungeons & Dragons playing nerd—totally unpopular in high school.” He then discovered sports and dedicated himself to athletics and fitness. In college, he joined the rowing team and competed successfully at the collegiate and national level. Realizing that he had a talent for leading and communicating with people, Lance then became a crew coach.

He also decided to use these skills to branch out into coaching men in a different area: achieving confidence and success with women. He is the co-author of  www.honeyandlance.com, a popular blog about dating, relationships, sex and life.

Lance decided to get serious about improving his own skills with women after reading “The Game,” the best-selling book by Neil Strauss. It prompted him to immerse himself in learning the art of “pickup” and becoming what he calls a “social artist.”

This launched him on a journey of discovery about women, dating, attraction, and the nature of being a true man in today’s world. His goal is to live a life of passion and adventure, and have deep and meaningful relationships with all those around him.

* * * * *

If you’re a guy over the age of 40, the key to getting dates with younger women is cultivating the right lifestyle. This principle applies to dating in general, but it’s especially important if you’re going after girls 10 or more years younger than yourself.

Let’s look at an example of a 40+ guy. Bill is 45, six feet tall, with average looks a little flabby but not obese. He’s got a full head of hair, though it’s graying and thinning a bit. He’s a working professional, makes a good living, owns his own house, and drives a nice car.

Bill is recently divorced and looking to meet a highly attractive, intelligent woman in her mid 20s to early 30s.

He’s not against the idea of dating women his age, but he’s strongly attracted to the younger hotties out there.

I respect where he’s coming from; I would be doing the exact same thing. I’m 33 and I actively seek out and date girls in the 21 to 26 age range, because that’s what I’m most attracted to so why settle for anything less?

A guy like Bill will typically convince himself that his age places him outside of the “ideal” search range of most younger hotties. He may believe that being divorced makes him “damaged goods” in the eyes of most never-married women. And he’s usually going to be self-conscious about his average looks and physique.

What Bill needs to realize, however, is that he has powerful assets working in his favor. He’s a successful professional (perhaps even an expert in his field), and this is huge. This is going to help him tremendously, because it indicates that he’s a man of means; he has money, security, intelligence, and it would be easy to assume that he’s ambitious and confident. These are all qualities that attractive younger women are looking for.

What else are younger women looking for? If she has reached her 30s and has never been married, she’s probably looking to settle down with the right guy and have kids. If she’s divorced with no kids, she may be looking to settle down again, or she may be looking to have some fun and play the field. These types of women are usually open to dating an older guy.

Or, if she’s single and has kids, she may be open to a casual sexual relationship because she doesn’t have a lot of time for a serious relationship, and would rather not introduce a new “boyfriend” to her kids at this time.

My point is that there are a variety of categories when you’re talking about younger women, and a multitude of reasons why they may be looking to date, or just have fun with, an older guy.

 Lifestyle

Now, back to my original premise: having the right lifestyle will attract younger women. Lifestyle encompasses a bunch of stuff, so let’s break it down:

Fitness and looks.

Having average looks doesn’t help, but it doesn’t hurt you either. Women are funny in that they’ll be immediately attracted to a hot guy, but they’ll be more deeply attracted to man with high social value. A lot of girls will even say they don’t care about looks they care more about intelligence, personality, and confidence.

If you’re a mature, independent professional, you’ve got a huge head start! Stack the deck even further by improving your fitness and looks. If you’re out of shape and carrying an extra 20-30 pounds (or more), get a gym membership and work out daily. Don’t just do it because you want to get chicks  do it because you’ll feel and look better, and because you’ll be healthier and live a longer life. In my opinion, there is zero excuse for not being fit, no matter your age.

Even if you’re lugging the spare tire but making an effort to get toned, people will take notice. Co-workers will ask, “have you lost weight?” and chicks will dig on you more. It’s an amazing feeling and it will encourage you to keep hitting the gym.

Go even further and play sports. Did you play soccer or basketball back in high school or college? How about running or cycling? Get back into it, train for an event, and enjoy the fitness benefits. Consider picking up a “cool” new sport like snowboarding or surfing. Make sure to get some sun. A tan goes a long way towards improving your disposition.

A 45-year old guy who’s fit and tanned suddenly looks like he’s 35. He’s also the handsome, sexy gentleman, as opposed to the middle-aged fatso.

Get a cool haircut.

This falls under the looks category, but it’s so important that I want to break it out as a separate item. DO NOT go through life with a lame, “older guy” haircut. The last thing you want is to look like a sad sack insurance salesman. If you have a full head of hair, grow it out a bit, go to an upscale stylist, and tell them you want a cool cut. Let them go to town.

One great tip is to find a gay male stylist, because they give the best cuts. I always advise to keep your hair its natural color (i.e. graying) because chicks think it’s dignified and sexy, and often times a dye job looks unnatural and is an obvious attempt to conceal your true age.

Are you balding or almost bald? If so, consider going clean-shaven if you have the right skull and body shape. Generally this looks great on leaner guys, but it can certainly work with the bigger guys if you have the right skull shape. You might try rocking the Mr. Clean look with a well-groomed goatee.

If you’re not sure what a cool cut for a 45-year old guy looks like, watch practically any television show and note the popular actors in your age range to get some idea. There are actors who have very little hair, but they style and groom themselves immaculately. Click here for more surefire tips on how to date young women.

Dimitri Vorontzov was born in Moscow and spent childhood and adolescence in Siberia. He was educated as a composer, church organist, and orchestra conductor, taught music in college, and learned to fly airplanes with Russian Air Force.

After Dimitri moved to US, he worked several years in a story department of a film production company, and taught advanced motorcycle riding. These days, Dimitri runs a multi-profile corporation and gives private instruction in courtship to selected students.

So what’s the best way to pick up and date a younger woman, when you’re a guy over the age of 40?

Off the top of my head, I’m tempted to dismiss the question. In a sense, it’s like asking, “what’s the best way to drive when you’re over 40?”

This is because I believe that fundamentally, dating younger women does not require a different set of skills once you’re of a certain age. I also believe that the skills of modern pickup and dating are so fundamentally simple that it only takes slightly more effort and practice to activate these skills than it takes to become, say, a grandmaster in the art of brushing one’s teeth.

I am certain that when we are dealing with something as basic as pickup, a man’s age presents a relatively irrelevant contributing factor.

I’m going to address the simplicity of pick-up and dating in a moment. But first, let’s discuss the notion of being an “older man.”

I am strongly against any self-categorizing. Being an “older man” is in most cases a self-assigned label—a useless attempt to define oneself by belonging to a certain group. It’s self-imposed imprisonment. When a man says, “I am this” (“I” = “this”), he negates his ability to change, and he kills his own ability to be spontaneous and grow.

I find this approach to be strategically harmful, as well as false. I know from experience that human beings can, and should, be fluid.

I also know it’s possible for me to describe the best dating tactics for all men over forty. But perhaps that’s not even necessary. What I prefer to do is speak to just one man.

The one who is reading these words now.

YOU.

I’m not interested in trying to save the entire generation of “older men.” Let’s leave them to their own means. They’ll take care of themselves. (Or they won’t; it’s up to them.)  What we need to do is to create an exception.

I want you to become that exception.

Now I’m going to keep my promise and explain why I find pickup and dating so simple.

During my career as a “hitch,” acting as a wingman to guys in need of dating help, I’ve come to recognize a few simple, obligatory Tasks that a man has to accomplish in order to pick up a woman.

Each Task is accomplished via a corresponding simple and effective Action.

The Task/Action combo forms a Tactic. The sequence of Tactics is the Algorithm. Now, here’s the sample Algorithm for a typical daytime pick-up (Task/Action):

1)      Choose a woman / Observe

2)     Approach / Walk up to her

3)     Engage / “Excuse me

4)     Start the dialog / “I can see you’re reading about interior design. So besides that, what else are you into?”

5)     Gather intel / “I’m hanging out here by myself; what about you?”

6)     Expand the dialog / “Now you’ve made me curious. I want to find out more about you…”

7)     Move locations / “Let’s get some coffee over there, and chat a bit more.”

8)     Touch / Place your arm around her waist to direct her to the coffee shop (or if in a bookstore, the coffee area)

9)     Express interest (“Your sense of humor turns me on”) / Get contact info (“So what’s the best way to get in touch with you?”)

10)  Activate contact info / Call, send a text message, or email her within 30 minutes after you left, if possible.

If every Task is accomplished, a successful pickup has taken place.

Now obviously, every woman is unique; every situation is unique; and women in various situations will display a unique set of reactions.

But I hope you won’t deny that if you don’t request her contact info, you are not likely to see that woman again. That makes requesting her contact info an obligatory Task. And, of course, you have to approach a woman and engage her, if you want her to know that you exist. This makes Approach and Engage other obligatory Tasks…and so on.

(I admit there might be exceptions; for example, she might be a trainer at your gym and you see her regularly anyway; or, she is the one who approaches and engages you. Such situations make the pickup even simpler.)

It’s axiomatic that a man in his forties can say, “I’d like to find out more about you” and “What’s the best way to get in touch with you?” as easily as a man in his early twenties. For the older man, articulating these kinds of words does not present any greater challenge of such magnitude. Let’s have no argument about that. With some aspects of pickup, I believe there are no “advanced techniques.”

From my perspective, there are only two things to remember about body language. There are only four really important techniques for verbal improvisation (and only about a dozen of easy and fun secondary skills). There’s only so much to learn about grooming and style. There’s only one condition you want to be in physically: fit. Age has little to do with any of these things.

I could have also added that mature, experienced, accomplished men tend to have an aura that makes them “walking aphrodisiacs” in the eyes of a great many young, gorgeous women—but this is something you’ve probably figured out already.

But I don’t want to oversimplify the matter, or come across as unrealistically positive by just telling you, “you can do it!” There are indeed some challenges, which we must address.

Working regularly with students in their forties, fifties, and beyond, I’ve learned to recognize a few archetypal mindsets among men who wrongly define themselves by their belonging to a certain age group.

I want you to take a look at the archetypes below, and see if you recognize any of their traits in your own personality and attitude. If you notice anything familiar, I want you to seriously consider how these qualities have been holding you back in your pursuit of women and why it might be a good idea, and a perfect time, to shed this baggage. Click here for more tips.

A typical conversation between a guy and a girl at a bar might sound something like this…

HIM: So what do you do?

HER: I’m a school teacher.

HIM: Oh really? Cool. What grade do you teach?

HER: Eighth grade.

HIM: Ah, ok…so do you enjoy being a teacher?

HER: Yeah, I love it.

HIM: That’s cool…um…so how long have you been a teacher? (He’s already running out of steam.)

There is no rule that says you’ve got to stick with whatever topic is being discussed at the moment. You never want to run out of steam, and bouncing from one topic to the next can keep things interesting.

The idea is that YOU control the flow.

For example, you’re standing next to a girl at the bar. You look at her, make eye contact, give her a smile, and say…

YOU: “I can tell there’s more to you than meets the eye.”

HER: “What makes you say that?”

YOU:  “Well, I’m sure a lot of guys judge you based on your looks, but you’ve got a deeper, more complicated side that they don’t know about. I’m right, aren’t I.”

HER: “I guess that’s true.”

YOU: “OK then, so let me ask you a hypothetical question, and this question is really interesting because it reveals a lot about a person.

If you could have the power to fly, or the power to be invisible, which would you want?”

HER: “Hmmm, I guess the power to be invisible.”

YOU: “That’s very interesting. Now tell me why you would want that power…”

Now you’re immersed in a cool conversation. You’re capturing her imagination, instead of asking the same old “job interview” questions while she sizes you up and thinks of all the reasons why she shouldn’t keep talking to you.

Listen for transitional words and topics that will allow you to take the conversation in new directions, and plant seeds about your own positive qualities (without sounding like you’re bragging).

For example, if she says, “I’d want to be invisible so that no one can bother me at my job. I can’t stand dealing with rude customers all day…”

…you could jump on the word “job” and use it to transition to that subject. Then take this opportunity to mention how passionate you are about what you do.

If she would want the power to fly, maybe it’s because she would visit some interesting, exotic locale. Now you can move onto the subject of travel. If you haven’t done much international travel, that’s okay: you can mention some amazing place that you’re planning to visit, and relate some details about it that make her imagine going there with you someday.

Another rule of dynamic conversation is that you should keep her in a positive, enthusiastic frame of mind as much as possible. If things take a negative turn, and she starts complaining about something (her ex-boyfriend, her bitchy roommate, her asshole boss, etc.), it’s your job to take her mind off the negative and keep things on a positive track.

So let’s rewind, back to when she says…

HER: “I’d want to be invisible so that no one can bother me at my job. I deal with so many obnoxious customers, I don’t even know why I work there…”

YOU: “My opinion is, if you’re going to have a job, you might as well make it something you’re passionate about. I’m fortunate, I’m really love what I do.”

HER: “So what do you do?”

YOU: “Well, I didn’t come out tonight to talk about work, but let’s just say I’m well compensated and it’s the perfect use of my talents.”

HER: “Hmm, ok…”

YOU: “So tell me, if had a hundred million bucks in the bank—let’s say you won the lottery—how would you spend your days? What would you be passionate about doing, if you never had to worry about paying another bill?”

Here’s another example of  an original approach, followed through with Conversation Control:

YOU: Are you friendly or mean?

HER: Why do you ask?

YOU: You look a little bit mean, but I think it’s just a front. You’re actually a sweetheart, once people get to know you.

HER: Yes, I’d like to think I’m sweet.

YOU: Let me ask you something. My best friend Jay broke up with his girlfriend about a week ago. And he really wants to ask out one of her friends, but he’s worried that it’s too soon. Should a guy wait a certain amount of time before he asks out a friend of his ex? Is there a rule for this?

HER: I think he should give it a few weeks at least.

HIM: A few weeks, hmm. That makes sense. I bet you’re the girl that all of your friends come to for “guy advice.” You have a knack for this stuff; maybe you should have your own talk show.

HER: (laughing) Well, my sister had something similar happen. She met this guy when she was in college…

HIM: Where did she go to school?

HER:Princeton.

HIM: Really? I went to (name a school). I majored in business, with a minor in throwing parties. Which reminds me…you’re invited to this party I’m throwing next month, I’m just trying to decide what theme to go with. I was thinking toga party, but that’s so played out…maybe “pimps n’ hos,” because I’ve got this killer fur coat and a giant wide-brimmed hat I could wear…but then I started thinking, maybe a 1980s theme would be cool. Just think of the party playlist I could put together for my iPod. Banarama, the Go-Gos, Journey, Men at Work, Duran Duran…who I am forgetting?”

As you can see, within the space of the first minute, you’ve planted cool seeds about yourself and taken the conversation in interesting, unpredictable directions. You’ve engaged her imagination, and you’re relating to her on a level that most guys would never get to. And you didn’t need to stay on any particularly topic…you bounced around to keep things moving along. (By the way, you can always return later on to any of the topics you touched on earlier and then moved away from.)