There are so many times in life when we could get a “yes,” but get a “no” instead—simply because we phrased the request the wrong way.
When you approach a girl, she has a million reasons to say no. She may be looking for reasons to shoot you down, because she’s worried that you’re going to be yet another boring, unoriginal guy who’s going to try to monopolize her time.
Or, her reasons for ignoring you could be beyond your control. You might resemble the jerk who broke her heart in the tenth grade. She might be coming off a bad relationship, and while she’s sitting there having a drink at the bar, her ex-boyfriend is texting her phone and stressing her out. Or, she might be stressed out from her job.
If you’re at a nightclub, perhaps she has convinced herself that it’s impossible to meet a decent guy in that environment, that they’re all wanna-be pickup artists, and there’s no way in hell she’s giving any guy in this place her phone number.
More commonly, when it comes to being approached by men she doesn’t know, her radar is simply on high alert at all times. She’s looking for red flags: reasons to rule you out and end the interaction. You may also be operating at a disadvantage from the very beginning because you don’t meet her “criteria”: the superficial qualities she tells herself she needs in a man. (He needs to be a certain height, look a certain way, have money, etc.)
The good news is that there are methods for “jamming” her radar and getting past these barriers. First, you need to understand one of the biggest fundamental differences between men and women, which I mentioned before: men seek to QUALIFY women, while women seek reasons to DISQUALIFY us.
In other words, we’re willing to overlook a girl’s flaws if we’re interested in having sex with her. Women, meanwhile, are more likely to look past our good qualities and try to find reasons to rule us out.
Does that sound harsh? Well, it is. Now let’s talk about some Tactics to get you through this…
Let’s say you spot a blonde across the bar. Her face is average (at best), but she’s wearing a tight dress and has a killer body. That’s enough to make you want to approach her.
Then, if it turns out she’s dumber than a box of rocks and has nothing interesting to say, you’ll continue to fixate on her body! (C’mon, admit it.) You’ll keep macking. As long as she’s receptive to the conversation, you’ll keep trying to make something happen.
As long as there is something about her that turns you on, you’ll give it your best shot, right? (Especially if you’ve been drinking…)
OK, now let’s look at this from the woman’s perspective. From the moment we make eye contact with a girl, or approach her, she’s sizing us up and her brain is coming up with reasons to DISQUALIFY us.
Maybe her radar is telling her you’re too short, too young, too old, or she doesn’t like the color of your shirt, or she figures you’re a player who’s only looking to get laid…whatever. She’s going to think about all the reasons NOT to get to know you, before she considers the reasons why she SHOULD.
The typical guy faces an uphill battle because he’s always struggling to qualify himself to women. This is why so many men resort to “pickup routines” or try to impress women by talking about their money or “who they know.” (Truth be told, unless you’re a rock star, famous actor or professional athlete, there are very few professions that are going compel a woman to want to have sex with you.)
Most guys are so used to being blown off in the first minute or two, they resort to desperate measures just to get their foot in the door.
Jamming her radar means you’re never going to allow a woman to go into the mental process of disqualifying you. You’re going to throw her off balance and turn the tables. You send the message that you’re not that into in her, you’re not easily impressed, and that SHE needs to qualify herself to YOU.
Then, throughout the course of conversation, you continue with this strategy. You make statements, and ask questions, that force her to qualify herself to you. The message you are sending is that you are a guy with high standards, and if she doesn’t meet them…well, there are plenty of other girls for you to talk to tonight.
Tease, Push, Pull
“Teases” are a powerful technique. You can sneak in a tease by making a statement that implies you’re a man in demand, with high standards:
“The girls I’ve dated recently have been high-maintenance. They looked beautiful, but there’s was always drama. It seems to be that extremely beautiful women are often the most insecure. It’s cool to meet a normal girl, like yourself, who I can relax around.”
This statement has a subconscious effect. While it sounds on the surface like you’re paying her a compliment—that she’s a “normal” person you’re actually jabbing her ego and making her feel self-conscious. You’re implying that you usually date hot women, but hey, you’re still enjoying her company at the moment…
By using this method, as you continue to control the conversation, she’s going to feel the need to qualify herself to you. She’ll want to show she’s not just a boring “normal” girl…she’s fun and sexy, too.
Think Push/Pull. Punishment/Reward. Throw challenges at her. Make her wonder if she measures up to your standards, and get her thinking, “If this guy has such high standards, and is so hard to impress, he must be something special.”
“I plan on staying out late tonight and having some fun, but I don’t want to get you into any trouble…I can tell you’re a nice, responsible girl. You’ve probably got a curfew…”
“You should know up front, I’m very high-maintenance. I need my back rubs, breakfast in bed…and if you can’t cook, forget about it.”
Or this one, which will really catch her by surprise:
“It’s too bad you’re not my type, you seem like a cool person.” (Then, immediately change the subject.)
If this is a girl you just met at the bar, you could add on, “Let’s see if we can find you a guy tonight. I can be your wingman.”
Again, you’ve paid her a back-handed compliment (she seems “nice” or “cool”), but you’ve made her feel self-conscious because for some reason (which you don’t explain), she’s “not your type.” Just plant that seed and move on…it messes with her head!
If she asks you what is your type (and women will almost always ask), keep your answer vague: “I’ve just normally dated girls with a certain type of look, that’s all.”
Then move the conversation onto another subject. Leave her wondering why she doesn’t meet your standards, and what she can do to capture your interest.
Another example to use at a nightclub…
“Have you noticed the women in this place? There must a be a million dollars worth of plastic surgery in this room. It’s nice to talk to someone normal for a change.”
Or, “Have you noticed that group of tall, gorgeous Amazon-type women waiting by the bathroom? This place is like a modeling convention tonight. It’s cool to talk to someone like you, who’s normal and down-to-earth.”
Here’s a quick one. In mid-conversation, as she’s saying something, say “One sec, I need to ask my friend something” and then abruptly walk away. Rejoin her a couple of minutes later and let her keep going with what she was saying.
Slightly impolite, yes…but you’re sending the signal that you’ve got other people to attend to, and that she’s not impressive enough to warrant 100% of your attention.
I want you to remember this: learning how to approach younger women and engage them in conversation begins with the right belief system. You are the prize. Believe that. If there are a hundred other guys in the room, you must believe you’re the guy who the ladies want to meet tonight.
When you approach a girl you’re not going to let her radar kick into high gear and start screening you for defects. You’re going to establish that YOU are the one with high standards, who’s giving HER the chance to join your team.
Comments On Push/Pull by Braddock, Love Systems Instructor
One great way to build state-based attraction is what we call “push/pull.” Push/pull to me is the bedrock of flirting. If you get good at push/pull you can drive women wild.
The basic premise behind push/pull is going hot and cold over and over. The key here is to keep it playful. You can easily take push/pull too far by making her feel that you are just mean.
What I love about push/pull is that it helps you keep things balanced. Most guys are either too nice or too mean. They are either kissing ass or trying to act distant. Either one of these strategies will end in the same poor result.
One of the best explanations of push/pull was given to me by Mr. M, a Love Systems instructor. He said, “How did you get your dog to chase you when you were a little kid? You chased him, and then you ran away.”
This is basically push/pull on the most surface level. You are going to flirt with the girl and just when she thinks she has you, you pull the rug out from under her by teasing her. Or, you tease her hard and get your friends laughing at her expense and then just before you take it too far, you drop a compliment on her or touch her so she knows that you are just flirting with her.
The message she should be getting over the course of the conversation should be something like: “I’m starting to like you… no I’m not, you suck. Wait, I like you again… now I’m not sure. Wow, you are pretty sexy… nope you’re annoying me again.” Etc…
(Don’t say that out loud to her. That’s the underlying message. I’m about to give you some example of what you ACTUALLY say.)
The easiest formula for push/pull is:
- Say something nice and then dovetail into a tease.
- Say something playfully mean and then dovetail into a light compliment.
- Call her out on something or tease her and then follow that with warm body language so she knows you are just flirting (I.E. a smile, a wink, squeezing her hand, etc.).
- Go really nice and build tons of rapport and then release the tension with a playfully asshole comment that undermines the compliment.
- Basically, Push/Pull = Nice-mean, mean-nice, wash, rinse, repeat.
A little while ago, I started recording some of my pickups. It makes me a better instructor at our bootcamps (as well as giving me funny stories for my blog). It also gives me great material for real-life examples like these push/pull dialogues.
Most of these dialogues took place within minutes of first meeting.
Braddock Push/Pull #1 – Jessica
Jessica: “God, I’m sorry I’m late. My cab driver was an idiot.”
Braddock: “It’s cool. Was he a foreign guy or an American guy?”
Jessica: “I’m pretty sure he was foreign. I wasn’t really paying attention.”
Braddock: “It’s too bad you are a racist, because you are pretty cute.”
Jessica: “Haha!!! I’m not a racist!!!”
Braddock: “I’m pretty sure that you just called that cab driver a foreign idiot.”
Jessica: “HA! I did not!”
Braddock: “Jessica, you know what we call cab drivers where I come from?”
Jessica: “Oh my God, stop it!” (said while laughing)
Braddock: “You should really be more tolerant like me. The 1950s called; they want their beliefs back.”
(Two hours later after we have moved on from the joke…)
Braddock’s friends walk up.
Braddock: “Hey guys, you have to meet this girl. This is Jessica.”
Jessica: “Hi guys.”
Braddock: “Okay, Brian, aren’t you like 1/18 Polish or something foreign?”
Brian: “LoL… Yeah.”
Braddock: “Okay, well you will probably want to take a step back because Jessica is a hateful bigot.”
At this point, she wanted to jump in and defend herself, so I just smiled and hugged her. More push/pull in action.
Remember that you don’t have to push every time and you don’t have to pull every time. You use them as you need them.
Braddock Push/Pull #2 – Jamie
Jamie: “Do you like my new shoes?”
Braddock: (Said in tone as if thinking out loud) “Hmm… what answer is most likely to get me laid?” (Said in obviously overly excited voice) “Oh my God! Those are the coolest shoes I’ve ever seen!”
Jamie: “Oh my God! You are an ass.”
Braddock: “You know I think you’re hot; quit asking me about random pieces of your fashion.”
Braddock Push/Pull #3 – Sara
Braddock: “You drink Bud Light? Awesome, let’s get married.”
Sara: (Laughing) ”Okay.”
Braddock: “Sweet. But just so you know, I’m probably going to cheat on you with your friends, but they mean nothing to me. It’s just sex.”
Sara: “No way, I will divorce you!”
Braddock: “Okay, fine, because I want to make this work for the kids. But you have to cook me breakfast in bed from now on.”
Sara: “Fine, but you have to buy me expensive gifts every week.”
Braddock: “Deal, but only because you are amazing in bed.”
Braddock: “Wait do you smoke?”
Sara: “Yeah, only when I drink.”
Braddock: “Hmm… I may need to call a divorce attorney.”