Hey Dean,

I am 34 years old, from Norway, and I messed things up with a girl I like.

I know your advice is probably to move on and meet new people, but I live in a small town, and there aren’t many high-class women available. After a 6-year relationship, involving 2 kids and a bad breakup, I’ve been single for more than 4 years.

I’ve met many girls since then, but none that I really liked, so I haven’t gotten serious with any of them.

Then I met this girl. 20 years old, from the next city. About a one-hour drive away from me. We hit it off quite well from the start, and on the first night we met we were already kissing, and she spent the night.

She then told me she thought I was a bit old, and things cooled down. But still, we exchanged phone numbers and emails, so we kept in touch, also through Yahoo Messenger. We spent hours and hours chatting, and then she invited me there for the weekend. So, I went there, and we had a great time, but nothing more happened. I NOW know what I did wrong. I was being too friendly, and not like I would have done things now. But still, this increased our contact, and we decided to take a trip together with a couple who are mutual friends of ours. 

In the time between this decision and the trip (a couple of months) we met once a week, and tension was increasing. Physical contact increased, but no sex. But I was being patient, and the weekend of the trip, patience paid off.

Finally. So I must have done something right! And also after we came back. Until a couple of weeks ago….

I felt things were going great, so I told her that I thought we should take things to the next level and make commitments to each other. And that’s when it went all wrong. She was unsure, and instead of cooling down, I pushed on. Trying to logically convince her that this was meant to be, and so on. The classic mistakes. And when she wouldn’t agree, I reacted with frustration, and pulled out.

After a couple of weeks of silence, I made contact with her, and asked what would happen now. She is unsure whether she wants to walk down this path again. But the problem (for me) is that I have never met a girl things were going so naturally with, and I don’t want to lose contact with her. I know making up for this will not be an easy task, but I am prepared to give it another shot.

I am still convinced I will be able to renew contact with her, and when I do, I will use everything I have learnt from your classes, and not fall back to the wuss and needy idiot I have been.

But I still need some advice. Is there anything I must avoid (apart from what I have said I know I have to avoid), and are there any great tips or hints you can give me? I am prepared to give her my best side all the time, being positive and confident, and giving her the same positive experiences I gave her in the beginning.

I don’t want this to end. But on the other hand, I can’t force her, because then the game starts all over again. I’m NOT giving this up.

Like I said, I live in a small town, and I just can’t pick girls like I want. Cards have to be played differently here. I really hope you have some wise words for me.

Best regards,
Frustrated in Norway

* * * * *

First off, I want to commend this guy’s sincerity and honesty. I felt it in his words. Now I’m going to bring some nuclear-powered knowledge to help him get this situation on track…and get this girl back in his arms.

Before I get into that, my friend in Norway, I’m going to need to smack you around a little bit. As I read your email, I spotted several “red flags”—tactical mistakes you made that you must not repeat with this girl again, or make with any girl in the future.

I know you’re aware of some of the mistakes you made, but I know a LOTof guys will benefit from this analysis.

Among the guys that I’ve coached, this is a situation I see all the time. They learn the correct strategies and adopt the right mental attitude…but only temporarily. As soon as they meet that “perfect girl” and sleep with her, they return to their old ways because they don’t want to lose her.

The irony is, by being “super nice,” always being available to talk to her, and making it clear that you want her to be your girlfriend, you are letting her slip away—because her attraction you is decreasing.

Let me run down the red flags in your letter:

#1. After she spent the night with you for the first time, she mentioned to you that you might be “too old” for her. (You are 34, and she is 20.) Incidentally, I’m 34 years old right now, and I tend to date women that are 10 years younger than me (or more), so I’ve learned how to handle this exact situation.

I’m guessing that the age difference was something you were concerned about from the very beginning. You were psyched to meet a cute 20-year-old, but you were probably worried that she would “realize” that you were too old for her.

This is easily avoided. Here are two points to remember when you meet a younger woman:

#1. Never try to conceal your age, and never express any concerns about you being older. Bring it out into the open right away, and USE your age as a way to make her want to prove herself to you. She should be the one who is worried she is not on your intellectual level.

Once she tells you her age, you say, “Wow, I’m 34 years old and you’re only 20? I’ve usually dated women that are closer to my own age. I like women that are sophisticated and have some life experience.”

Wow. That’s an extremely confident, direct thing to say to a young woman. It’s not arrogant or offensive. It shows you have HIGH STANDARDS with the women you date.

Can she measure up to your standards? Well, now is her chance to show you.

You didn’t say, “I can’t date you, you’re too young and inexperienced.”

You said, “I date women who are sophisticated and experienced.”

So, if she wants to hang out with you, she’s going to need to demonstrate that she has these qualities.

You’ve put a CHALLENGE out there, and women get turned on by a man who challenges them to step up!

Now, throw her a question and make her prove that she can hang with a sophisticated guy like you: “But I have to admit, you do seem kind of mature for your age. So tell me some of the things you’re into.”

This is so powerful on a psychological level. Right from the beginning, you’re establishing that you have no insecurity at all about your age; you love being your age, because it means you’re at a secure, confident, experienced stage in your life.

You know about all kinds of cool and interesting things. The only question is, is SHE worthy of hanging out with a guy like you?

#2. Turn your age into a reason for her to want to date you. As an older guy, you’re more worldly and experienced. You can teach her things. You can show her cool places, turn her on to great music, movies, art…whatever your interests are.

I’ll say things to her like, “Last night one of my favorite movies was on television, The Godfather. It’s a classic. You’ve seen it, right?” (This can be any movie released prior to 1985 that you love.)

If she tells you that she has seen the movie, you say: “Wow, I guess I underestimated you. I figured you wouldn’t be aware of any movies prior to Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt coming on the scene.”

If she tells you she hasn’t seen it (and she probably hasn’t), bust on her a little. Say playfully, “I can’t believe you haven’t seen Raging Bull! Wow, there are a lot of things I’m going to need to teach you about…this could take awhile.”

Either way, you’re framing yourself as the older, more experienced MAN who can bring value to her life. Very powerful! (Do you think the typical guy her own age has anything of value to say, or teach her?)

As one of the most often-quoted dating experts in the country for the last ten years, David Wygant has been prominently featured and consulted by thousands of media outlets. He has appeared on E! Entertainment Television, FoxNews, Dateline NBC, CBS News, ABC News and MTV. He has also appeared on over 2,000 radio shows. 

David has been featured and quoted in over 100 magazine and newspaper articles including in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, USA Today, and The Los Angeles Times.  David is one of the leading writers for Yahoo! Personals, and is one of the only dating coaches who works with both men and women. He offers an array of products and coaching services which can be found on his website. David’s website also includes a daily blog for both men and women, along with daily video blogs and podcasts. 

Click here for Part 1…

So what do younger women then look for in an older man?

Experience. It’s your life experience that works to your advantage. For example, you’ve got to really be a great lover, when it comes down to it. If you’re a shitty lover and you’re in your 40s, well, she’s already had shitty lovers because she is used to dating younger guys. I tell every guy I work with to go take tantric sex classes, and really learn how to please a woman.

Secondly, teasing a young woman, which older guys don’t do, is a must. A lot of younger guys go out with a younger woman, and try to sleep with them on the first date. I always tell guys to play it cool and act like you got laid the night before, and look at her at the end of the date and say, “Alright, see you later. Goodbye.” Do it with a smile and tease her. It’s going to drive her up the wall. Don’t touch her for the first few dates, because then she’s going to want to have sex with you. She’s going to wonder why the hell you haven’t touched her. She is going to think you don’t desire her, and then basically throw herself on you. I’m talking about understanding how younger women are wired, but also playing the part.  You’ve got to understand what a young man is like, and act the exact opposite.

In terms of your age and wisdom, don’t try to teach them lessons. Share things with them. Don’t talk down to them; don’t try to give them advice. Encourage them, and share your wisdom and knowledge, because you have to become Michael Douglas. You’ve got to become Sean Connery. You’ve got to become George Clooney. You’ve got to become that cool, hip, older guy that will attract women. You’ve got to be it, before you are it.

Are there tips or techniques you teach your guys on adjusting themselves to the age difference?

Once again, you’ve got to speak with them and speak their language. Be open to what they want to do, but take them on an adventure that the young guys can’t pull off. I’m not talking about buying them a great dinner. I’m talking about being a man with a plan. Meaning, when you go out with them, don’t just take them out to dinner—anyone can do that. Show them that you are fun and playful.

One of my favorite things to do with women is to take them to Target (the big discount department stores). When we’re about to go get a drink, I tell them that first, I need to run a quick errand at Target. When we get there, I give her 13 dimes and nine pennies. So I give her $1.39 and say, “Have you had a treasure hunt yet?” You want to show her that you are not stogy; you are not old. You want to convey a youthful energy about you. So you give her the $1.39, and then you give her the rules: she gets to go on a treasure hunt and she can buy whatever she wants for $1.39, but it has to be one item and one item only. She will canvas Target, looking everywhere! She’ll probably even try to negotiate another five cents out of you, and then you tell her again that the item can only be $1.39, and that’s it. You are willing to pay the tax, but it can only be retail value of $1.39. It’s a fun little game to play. The idea is to behave in the opposite way of the typical older guy, who’s uptight and acts according to the typical script on a date.

Let’s say it’s the summer time; you take her to the park with the Frisbee. Do things that are young and fun. Have a barbeque at your house. You’re not acting old. You’ve got the wisdom and success of a 45 year old man, but by doing those fun things you become someone who she never may have imagined she would go out with. When your life is hip and cool, she wants to hang with that. And when you do those things, you create attraction.

Where do you recommend guys go to meet younger women, and are there locations they should avoid?

I tell guys all the time, “Be the story, not the cliché.” Meaning, you need to create a “romantic comedy.” All women wants to be swept off their feet, whether they know it or not. So you have to be that guy who sweeps women off their feet. So, go out, approach her, learn how to speak her language. Forget about nightclubs and bars. When you’re in the supermarket, coffee shop or anywhere else, approach women very nonchalantly and casually.  Tease her a little bit about the coffee she’s drinking. Tease her about something she is doing.

Here’s one of my favorite openers to use in a grocery store. I’ll see a woman buying a pint of ice cream, for example. I like to walk over and look at the ice cream, open the freezer, and then draw a tic-tac-toe board. Then I put an “X” in the middle and then I say, “It’s your turn, I’ll play you tic-tac-toe for that ice cream.” So all of a sudden it becomes something playful. Then you start describing and talking about ice cream. Tease her and say, “Y’know, ice cream girl,  we need to get together sometime. I have some great chocolate ice cream to show you.” When you call her up, call her “ice cream girl.” She’s already texted all her friends about it, and to them, you’re “ice cream guy.”

So you need to meet her in a playful way. Everyday encounters like that one will beat meeting girls at bars and nightclubs any day of the week.

Are there unique ways to close the deal with younger women, especially if there is a big age gap? Are younger women more suspicious than older women?

I don’t think younger women are more suspicious at all. I think they want to meet someone, but they are suspicious if a man stares, lingers, and acts like a stalker. If a guy has no game at all and approaches with some pickup line, she is going to look at you and think you are an old guy with a cheesy pickup line.

Younger women are looking for sophistication. Most younger women who are willing to date older guys are looking for a guy who is able to teach them things. They are looking for someone who is interesting and sophisticated. If you’re in a coffee shop you say, “I can’t believe you’re not getting the French roast. The French roast they have is amazing.” Then start sharing a story or an experience about it, and then ask her which type of coffee she likes best. Ask her questions and share stories about yourself. Most young guys do not ask enough questions when they flirt. They mostly just use routines. If you’re asking her questions and sharing about yourself, you’re intriguing her in all kinds of different ways.

What advice do you have on managing relationships with younger women?

There is a lot of management in any relationship. You are going to have to realize that everything you went through 20 years ago, you’re going to have to go through again with a younger girlfriend. No matter what you say, you cannot act like you know it all, because she is still going to have to experience it for herself and go through her drama. You’re going to have to listen to shit about her friends, because women in their 20s are always going through dramatic shit with their friends. She’s going to cry one night because she thinks one of her friends doesn’t like her anymore and blah, blah, blah…and you’re going to have to sit there and listen to it, and not offer advice. You just say, “I totally understand, hun,” and let her vent. Then she’s going to feel like you are the only one in the world who understands her, because everyone else is trying to fix her. That shit is going to come at you on a regular basis. You need to be prepared and ready for it. Not only that, but she is going to be more emotional than women in their 30s are. She’s going to get more jealous. You’re going to have to manage that relationship, and spend more effort than you would managing things with a woman your own age. That’s just the reality.

As one of the most often-quoted dating experts in the country for the last ten years, David Wygant has been prominently featured and consulted by thousands of media outlets. He has appeared on E! Entertainment Television, FoxNews, Dateline NBC, CBS News, ABC News and MTV. He has also appeared on over 2,000 radio shows. 

David has been featured and quoted in over 100 magazine and newspaper articles including in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, USA Today, and The Los Angeles Times.  David is one of the leading writers for Yahoo! Personals, and is one of the only dating coaches who works with both men and women. He offers an array of products and coaching services which can be found on his website. David’s website also includes a daily blog for both men and women, along with daily video blogs and podcasts. 

I’m happy today to be talking to David Wygant about how to approach and meet younger women. When I think of you, David, I think of that MTV show you were on called “Made.” You were also on another other show I was on, called” Sex 2K”… that was actually my first exposure to you, and your teachings.

I started in 1998. You and me, we’re the veterans (laughs)…

So how did you get into this field and start doing this?

It’s funny; it’s something that I always wanted to do. I used to make jokes about it to friends of mine back in the early 90’s. I was married, and then divorced, and I would go to bars and I was just not in the mood to be “that guy”—you know, the guy standing around in a bar trying to talk to women. I thought to myself, there must be a better way, and so I started meeting women out and about. I’m not a bar person to begin with, and I don’t particularly like it or enjoy it. I just don’t think there are any redeeming qualities to sitting back and sucking down alcohol all night, because I’m a non-drinker.

So, I started going shopping and doing things I like, and using it as a means to meet women. Then, when I moved toLos Angelesin 1998, a group of guys started following me around all the time because they wanted to learn how I was doing it. It was like “David’s Bootcamp.”  They were all successful, smart guys, but they just weren’t good at one side of their life. That’s how I started in this field. It was something I really enjoyed and understood, and I worked really hard on myself to take it to the next level. It became this great business, and now it’s what I do.

Do older guys often tap your brain about how to meet younger women?

I get asked about this a lot. There are a lot of older guys out there who have not had much experience with younger women, but they want to get into the game. I tell them, if you’re going to play with younger women, you need to start by understanding their psychology.

How do you explain the “younger woman psychology?”

The psychology of younger women is what I call “the little kitten and the string.” Don’t give them everything. The more you ignore them, the more you tease and tantalize them, the more they want you. The problem with a lot of older guys is they try to “buy” younger women. If you “buy” her—taking her to great places, paying for expensive dinners, and constantly doing things for her, you’re basically going to become her sugar daddy. She’s not going to have great, wild, crazy sex with her sugar daddy. She’s going to have great, crazy, wild sex with her lover.

And the only way you are going to become her lover is to learn the art of teasing her, ignoring her, and absolutely busting her every chance you can get. Because she wants what she cannot have.

You have to learn that concept. (The same as when you dangle a string in front of a kitten. As long as you keep the string out of reach, the kitten will go crazy trying to get ahold of it; when you drop the string into the kitten’s paws, it loses interest in about three seconds.)

A lot of older guys just don’t get it. They overdo it on the gifts and the dinners and the trips, and you’re basically just buying a woman who will have sex with you for about three minutes and that’s it. It’s not worth it.

That’s true. It’s like a lot of older men put younger women on a pedestal—viewing them as the golden prize they have to spend all their time and money on. They might also realize there’s a downside to dating younger women, especially the immature ones…

Yes, there can definitely be a downside if she’s not mature. You’re going to get a woman who is going through the dramatic stages of her life, so she’s going to be very inconsistent with her emotions, and what she wants. Older guys think that sex with a younger woman is going to be wild and crazy, but it’s might actually not going to be that way. You might have much better sex with a woman who is over 30.  Some younger women are going to be crazy one night, and then not sleep with you the next night because she still has guilt issues that are left over from childhood.

Secondly, she may have unrealistic views of the world because she has not experienced life. Sometimes the stuff that comes out their mouths makes me scratch my head. But in a lot of cases, when I was their age, I used to think that way, too.

Look, some guys just want young women. They want that hot young piece of ass. It validates them. It makes them feel good. They never had it before, so they put up with the bad parts. Personally, I don’t date women under the age of 30 and I’m 45. I’ve traveled the world and have run five successful businesses.

I work hard. In my case, I don’t feel that a woman under the age of 30 is going to understand me, and I don’t want to go back in time. But I’ve coached a lot of men my age who wanted to date women in their 20’s, and it’s not a tough thing to teach.

You mentioned earlier that many older guys default into buying younger women gifts, spending a lot of money, becoming a sugar daddy…what are some of the other ways they make mistakes in dating younger women?

They don’t look cool. They look like dorks. The fact is, they don’t dress, hip, fun, or trendy at all. If you are going to get a young girl, you better dress the part. You don’t wear your high-waisted jeans or your Dockers to go meet them. You don’t want to look like a nerdy accountant. Instead, you want to look like the business guy who is a rock star on the weekends. You want to dress the role. You want to be that person before you go out.

For me, I can attract women of all ages a 23 year old or whatever, with no problem—because I have a complete image that I’ve created. My image is based on confidence, attitude, and knowledge, and I dress the part. I dress hip, young, and fun. The problem with most guys, especially men over 40, is that they don’t do enough work on themselves. They are not hip, young, or cool, but they want the young tail. If you’re going to go after the young women, you better know how to dress the part, and speak the language of the part, and walk the part, and talk the part.

It’s not about your wallet; it’s about your game. It’s marketing. You need to learn how to market yourself properly to get to the young women. It’s funny to me to see older guys who just got off the golf course go up and hit on a young, hot woman, and all she’s picturing is one of her Dad’s friends who just came from the golf course.

 I get this question all the time:

“I used my opener, she responded, what do I do next?”

Obviously, the general answer to this is: the Transition phase.

The specific answer to “what kind of Transition?” is often a cold read. A cold read is where you tell someone something about themselves that rings true to them, even without any particular knowledge about the person. As you may know from my book Magic Bullets, cold reads are one of the four major types of Transitions. It’s my favorite type of Transition, and I use cold reads in about 90% of my approaches.

Cold reads are one of the easiest techniques to develop, because women will give you instant feedback. When you tell a woman about herself, she will react and give cues to how well your description “fits.”

Over time, you will get better and better at finding good universal cold reads. You will also get better at calibrating your cold reads to take educated guesses about a woman’s personality based on her looks, clothes, mannerisms, and voice.

Sample Cold Read: The Eye Angle Transition

Here’s an example of a good cold read Transition when you meet a woman. This routine works on the theory that eyes that are slanted downwards come across as caring and empathetic, whereas eyes slanted upwards convey a more sincere but fierce impression.

You can use this routine at any point during your opener; even interrupt her at any time to start this one.

“That’s really interesting.”

(She responds.)

“Did you know that if your eyes slant downwards your first impression tends to be empathetic and approachable whereas if your eyes slant upwards people tend to think you’re fierce and unapproachable?”

There are two options from here:

If her eyes slant down “Do you find that people are generally friendly towards you but you really only let a select group of people become really close to you?”

Or:

If her eyes slant up – “Do you find that people don’t always open up to you straight away and you only let a select group of people become really close to you anyway?”

 (She responds.)

“Yeah, you seem like the sort of person that enjoys having friends but only lets a few people into the inner circle. I’m the same way.”

There’s nothing magical about this routine, but it’s a good way of interrupting a conversation that stemmed from your opening line and turning to topics that are of particular interest to beautiful women herself, how she comes across to others, what she is really like, etc. It also implies that you understand her world.

How she can actually be a nice person but because she is beautiful she has had to be less open at first to people because they often have an agenda or preconception about her. You’re already on your way to demonstrating value, which you know from Magic Bullets is the key currency of attraction.

More examples of tests, 

Mention a cool spot in your area that most people aren’t aware of. It could be an out-of-the-way bar, a live music spot, a restaurant, a mountain you hiked…whatever. Ask her if she’s been there.

If she says “yes,” then pull her in. If she says “no,” then push her away:

“Wow, Lisa, you’ve never even tried sushi? I figured you’d be an adventurous type of girl who’s tried every type of  cuisine…but it’s good that we met, because I know every good Japanese restaurant in this city.”

Or, you could say:

“My friend Michelle just got back from a trip to India. She’s such a fascinating person, I find that people who do a lot of traveling have a deeper perspective on things. So tell me about the most amazing place you’ve ever been to…”

This prompts her to reveal whether she’s done much traveling. if it turns out she has, then continue to push and pull: “That’s good to know you’re so well-traveled. I wasn’t sure about you at first, Maria, but I guess there’s more to you than meets the eye.” (That was actually a pull-push-pull, if you think about it…pretty cool!)

If she admits that she hasn’t done much traveling, you can “push” her by acting like she’s not up her standards…and then “pull” her back to you.

“Oh my God, you mean to tell me the only time you’ve been outside of the United States was college spring break in Cancun? Well, you should just know, before we ever get married or have kids, you and me are going to spend some time in Buenos Aires. It’s my favorite city.”

This was also a playful example of the “instant relationship” technique—pretending that the two of you are already a couple, or destined to be a couple. You say it with a smile, as if you’re just kidding around, but it still has an effect on her subconscious. You’re making the idea of being in a relationship with each other seem like a natural, comfortable outcome.

Or, you can ask her one of the Hypothetical questions from the “Mack Tactics: Ultimate Edition” book, and then “push” her away when she gives the “wrong” answer. (With Hypotheticals, which are a favorite technique of mine, anything she says can be interpreted as a right or wrong answer.)

After she answers, you say “I can’t believe you gave that answer…I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to break up with you. Tell the girl over there in the red dress, she’s my new girlfriend.”

Then laugh, tell her you’re only kidding, and get into a discussion about the Hypothetical and the reasons behind her answer. Keep the push/pull in mind. Act like you’re never totally sure she’s cool enough to join your team, but you’re going to give her a chance to prove herself.

Now some final notes on dealing with really good-looking women. You never want to compliment a woman on how beautiful she is, since she’s probably heard this from 37 different lame-ass men in the past week. But you can bring up the subject of beauty, and use this to put her at ease about you and your intentions. (Very beautiful women will always suspect that a guy is only interested in their looks. When you act like her looks are unimportant to you, you present an interesting challenge.)

So let’s say you’re talking to a super-gorgeous woman (who is obviously well aware she is super-gorgeous):

WEAK MOVE: “I just have to tell you…you’re really beautiful.”

(Groan…)

STRONG MOVE: “I have this friend named Joanne. She’s a successful model. Extremely beautiful. And people think beautiful women have it easy, but I think it’s actually the opposite sometimes. People assume you’re cold and stuck up, and don’t have real feelings. Guys just want to sleep with you, and don’t care about getting to know the real you. I actually think Joanne’s life would be easier if she wasn’t quite so attractive.” (Now, let the girl riff on this topic, and bond with her over it.)

Then, do a “cold reading” on her to seem even more profound and insightful:

“I’m sure a lot of men perceive you as cold and stand-offish, but I can tell that you’re actually very sensitive. When someone makes a negative comment about you, you act like it doesn’t faze you, but then you think about it all night. People just don’t realize how sensitive you really are.” 

The “cold reading” is a trick that psychics use. It’s the art of reading someone, without any prior knowledge of them, and seeming to understand what makes them tick. Used for seduction purposes, cold readings work especially well on women because they appeal to their sense of vanity. She’ll think that what you’re saying is unique only to her.

A good cold read makes you look incredibly insightful and profound…like you have “super powers,” in fact…even though you’re being totally vague.  Here are some example of cold readings:

www.daniellemc.com/daniellemc/www.childrensconnections.org/wps/
• “Jennifer, I get the sense that people perceive you as a really fun, outgoing, person…but actually, there are times when you want to be alone and tune out the world. You’ve got the sunny side you present to the world, but then you’ve also got a bit of a dark, complicated side, and sometimes you just need your private time.”
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• “I get the feeling that you’ve got a creative talent, or an idea that you want to explore, and you really want to pursue it but something is holding you back.”

• “Sometimes you don’t want to take chances, and you wind up shooting yourself in the foot because you missed a good opportunity. But other times, you can be spontaneous and adventurous. And that’s when you’re most happy, because it’s the real you.” 

• “The people you work with would say you’re a super confident person, and very good at your job. But you have insecurities that most people don’t know about. I mean, you’re only human, not this ‘super woman’ that people expect you to be.”

• “I can tell you’re an observer. Your crossed arms, your body language, the way you’re scanning the room…you like to watch people, and sometimes you worry too much about what other people think of you. But I bet you’re truly happy when you can just let go and be in the moment. I’m right, aren’t I?”
• “You have a strong need for others to like and admire you, but you also have a tendency to be critical of yourself.”

• “You’ve got a hidden talent, or a passion, that most people don’t know about, and you want to pursue it  but something is holding you back.”

• “At times, you’re really social and outgoing. But other times, you’re reserved and introverted.”

There are so many times in life when we could get a “yes,” but get a “no” instead—simply because we phrased the request the wrong way.

When you approach a girl, she has a million reasons to say no. She may be looking for reasons to shoot you down, because she’s worried that you’re going to be yet another boring, unoriginal guy who’s going to try to monopolize her time. 

Or, her reasons for ignoring you could be beyond your control. You might resemble the jerk who broke her heart in the tenth grade. She might be coming off a bad relationship, and while she’s sitting there having a drink at the bar, her ex-boyfriend is texting her phone and stressing her out. Or, she might be stressed out from her job.

If you’re at a nightclub, perhaps she has convinced herself that it’s impossible to meet a decent guy in that environment, that they’re all wanna-be pickup artists, and there’s no way in hell she’s giving any guy in this place her phone number.

More commonly, when it comes to being approached by men she doesn’t know, her radar is simply on high alert at all times. She’s looking for red flags: reasons to rule you out and end the interaction. You may also be operating at a disadvantage from the very beginning because you don’t meet her “criteria”: the superficial qualities she tells herself she needs in a man. (He needs to be a certain height, look a certain way, have money, etc.)

The good news is that there are methods for “jamming” her radar and getting past these barriers. First, you need to understand one of the biggest fundamental differences between men and women, which I mentioned before: men seek to QUALIFY women, while women seek reasons to DISQUALIFY us.

In other words, we’re willing to overlook a girl’s flaws if we’re interested in having sex with her. Women, meanwhile, are more likely to look past our good qualities and try to find reasons to rule us out.

Does that sound harsh? Well, it is. Now let’s talk about some Tactics to get you through this…

Let’s say you spot a blonde across the bar. Her face is average (at best), but she’s wearing a tight dress and has a killer body. That’s enough to make you want to approach her.

Then, if it turns out she’s dumber than a box of rocks and has nothing interesting to say, you’ll continue to fixate on her body! (C’mon, admit it.) You’ll keep macking. As long as she’s receptive to the conversation, you’ll keep trying to make something happen.

As long as there is something about her that turns you on, you’ll give it your best shot, right? (Especially if you’ve been drinking…)

OK, now let’s look at this from the woman’s perspective. From the moment we make eye contact with a girl, or approach her, she’s sizing us up and her brain is coming up with reasons to DISQUALIFY us.

Maybe her radar is telling her you’re too short, too young, too old, or she doesn’t like the color of your shirt, or she figures you’re a player who’s only looking to get laid…whatever. She’s going to think about all the reasons NOT to get to know you, before she considers the reasons why she SHOULD.

The typical guy faces an uphill battle because he’s always struggling to qualify himself to women. This is why so many men resort to “pickup routines” or try to impress women by talking about their money or “who they know.” (Truth be told, unless you’re a rock star, famous actor or professional athlete, there are very few professions that are going compel a woman to want to have sex with you.)

Most guys are so used to being blown off in the first minute or two, they resort to desperate measures just to get their foot in the door.

Jamming her radar means you’re never going to allow a woman to go into the mental process of disqualifying you. You’re going to throw her off balance and turn the tables. You send the message that you’re not that into in her, you’re not easily impressed, and that SHE needs to qualify herself to YOU.

Then, throughout the course of conversation, you continue with this strategy. You make statements, and ask questions, that force her to qualify herself to you. The message you are sending is that you are a guy with high standards, and if she doesn’t meet them…well, there are plenty of other girls for you to talk to tonight.

Tease, Push, Pull

“Teases” are a powerful technique. You can sneak in a tease by making a statement that implies you’re a man in demand, with high standards: 

“The girls I’ve dated recently have been high-maintenance. They looked beautiful, but there’s was always drama. It seems to be that extremely beautiful women are often the most insecure. It’s cool to meet a normal girl, like yourself, who I can relax around.”

This statement has a subconscious effect. While it sounds on the surface like you’re paying her a compliment—that she’s a “normal” person you’re actually jabbing her ego and making her feel self-conscious. You’re implying that you usually date hot women, but hey, you’re still enjoying her company at the moment…

By using this method, as you continue to control the conversation, she’s going to feel the need to qualify herself to you. She’ll want to show she’s not just a boring “normal” girl…she’s fun and sexy, too.

Think Push/Pull. Punishment/Reward. Throw challenges at her. Make her wonder if she measures up to your standards, and get her thinking, “If this guy has such high standards, and is so hard to impress, he must be something special.”

Some others:

“I plan on staying out late tonight and having some fun, but I don’t want to get you into any trouble…I can tell you’re a nice, responsible girl. You’ve probably got a curfew…”

“You should know up front, I’m very high-maintenance. I need my back rubs, breakfast in bed…and if you can’t cook, forget about it.” 

Or this one, which will really catch her by surprise:

“It’s too bad you’re not my type, you seem like a cool person.” (Then, immediately change the subject.)

If this is a girl you just met at the bar, you could add on, “Let’s see if we can find you a guy tonight. I can be your wingman.”

Again, you’ve paid her a back-handed compliment (she seems “nice” or “cool”), but you’ve made her feel self-conscious because for some reason (which you don’t explain), she’s “not your type.” Just plant that seed and move on…it messes with her head!

If she asks you what is your type (and women will almost always ask), keep your answer vague: “I’ve just normally dated girls with a certain type of look, that’s all.”

Then move the conversation onto another subject. Leave her wondering why she doesn’t meet your standards, and what she can do to capture your interest.

Another example to use at a nightclub…

“Have you noticed the women in this place? There must a be a million dollars worth of plastic surgery in this room. It’s nice to talk to someone normal for a change.”

Or, “Have you noticed that group of tall, gorgeous Amazon-type women waiting by the bathroom? This place is like a modeling convention tonight. It’s cool to talk to someone like you, who’s normal and down-to-earth.”

Here’s a quick one. In mid-conversation, as she’s saying something, say “One sec, I need to ask my friend something” and then abruptly walk away. Rejoin her a couple of minutes later and let her keep going with what she was saying.

Slightly impolite, yes…but you’re sending the signal that you’ve got other people to attend to, and that she’s not impressive enough to warrant 100% of your attention.

I want you to remember this: learning how to approach younger women and engage them in conversation begins with the right belief system. You are the prize. Believe that. If there are a hundred other guys in the room, you must believe you’re the guy who the ladies want to meet tonight.

When you approach a girl you’re not going to let her radar kick into high gear and start screening you for defects. You’re going to establish that YOU are the one with high standards, who’s giving HER the chance to join your team.

Comments On Push/Pull by Braddock, Love Systems Instructor 

One great way to build state-based attraction is what we call “push/pull.”  Push/pull to me is the bedrock of flirting.  If you get good at push/pull you can drive women wild.

The basic premise behind push/pull is going hot and cold over and over.  The key here is to keep it playful.  You can easily take push/pull too far by making her feel that you are just mean.

What I love about push/pull is that it helps you keep things balanced.  Most guys are either too nice or too mean.  They are either kissing ass or trying to act distant.  Either one of these strategies will end in the same poor result.

One of the best explanations of push/pull was given to me by Mr. M, a Love Systems instructor.  He said, “How did you get your dog to chase you when you were a little kid?  You chased him, and then you ran away.”

This is basically push/pull on the most surface level.  You are going to flirt with the girl and just when she thinks she has you, you pull the rug out from under her by teasing her.  Or, you tease her hard and get your friends laughing at her expense and then just before you take it too far, you drop a compliment on her or touch her so she knows that you are just flirting with her.

The message she should be getting over the course of the conversation should be something like: “I’m starting to like you… no I’m not, you suck.  Wait, I like you again… now I’m not sure.  Wow, you are pretty sexy… nope you’re annoying me again.”  Etc…

(Don’t say that out loud to her.  That’s the underlying message.  I’m about to give you some example of what you ACTUALLY say.)

The easiest formula for push/pull is:

•   Say something nice and then dovetail into a tease.
•   Say something playfully mean and then dovetail into a light compliment.
•   Call her out on something or tease her and then follow that with warm body language so she knows you are just flirting (I.E. a smile, a wink, squeezing her hand, etc.).
•  Go really nice and build tons of rapport and then release the tension with a playfully asshole comment that undermines the compliment.
•   Basically, Push/Pull = Nice-mean, mean-nice, wash, rinse, repeat.

A little while ago, I started recording some of my pickups.  It makes me a better instructor at our bootcamps (as well as giving me funny stories for my blog).  It also gives me great material for real-life examples like these push/pull dialogues.

Most of these dialogues took place within minutes of first meeting.  

Braddock Push/Pull #1 – Jessica

Jessica: “God, I’m sorry I’m late.  My cab driver was an idiot.”

Braddock: “It’s cool.  Was he a foreign guy or an American guy?”

Jessica: “I’m pretty sure he was foreign.  I wasn’t really paying attention.”

Braddock: “Hmm.”

Jessica: “What?”

Braddock: “It’s too bad you are a racist, because you are pretty cute.”

Jessica: “Haha!!!  I’m not a racist!!!”

Braddock: “I’m pretty sure that you just called that cab driver a foreign idiot.”

Jessica: “HA!  I did not!”

Braddock: “Jessica, you know what we call cab drivers where I come from?”

Jessica: “What?”

Braddock: “People.”

Jessica: “Oh my God, stop it!” (said while laughing)

Braddock: “You should really be more tolerant like me.  The 1950s called; they want their beliefs back.”

(Two hours later after we have moved on from the joke…)

Braddock’s friends walk up.

Braddock: “Hey guys, you have to meet this girl.  This is Jessica.”

Jessica: “Hi guys.”

Braddock: “Okay, Brian, aren’t you like 1/18 Polish or something foreign?”

Brian: “LoL… Yeah.”

Braddock: “Okay, well you will probably want to take a step back because Jessica is a hateful bigot.”

At this point, she wanted to jump in and defend herself, so I just smiled and hugged her.  More push/pull in action.

Remember that you don’t have to push every time and you don’t have to pull every time.  You use them as you need them.  

Braddock Push/Pull #2 – Jamie

Jamie: “Do you like my new shoes?”

Braddock: (Said in tone as if thinking out loud) “Hmm… what answer is most likely to get me laid?”  (Said in obviously overly excited voice) “Oh my God!  Those are the coolest shoes I’ve ever seen!”

Jamie: “Oh my God!  You are an ass.”

Braddock: “You know I think you’re hot; quit asking me about random pieces of your fashion.”

Braddock Push/Pull #3 – Sara

Braddock: “You drink Bud Light?  Awesome, let’s get married.”

Sara: (Laughing) ”Okay.”

Braddock: “Sweet.  But just so you know, I’m probably going to cheat on you with your friends, but they mean nothing to me.  It’s just sex.”

Sara: “No way, I will divorce you!”

Braddock: “Okay, fine, because I want to make this work for the kids.  But you have to cook me breakfast in bed from now on.”

Sara: “Fine, but you have to buy me expensive gifts every week.”

Braddock: “Deal, but only because you are amazing in bed.”

Braddock: “Wait do you smoke?”

Sara: “Yeah, only when I drink.”

Braddock: “Hmm… I may need to call a divorce attorney.” 

Dr. Paul Dobransky is a Chicago-based psychiatrist, author, and CEO of www.doctorpaul.net, specializing in the areas of trauma, men’s psychology, dating, relationships, and their missions in life. He is an innovator and inventor of unification theories of psychology, as well as a frequent teacher alongside David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss, Mystery, and most “men’s community gurus,” adding science and professionalism to the men’s community training programs at every opportunity.

He was a first-responder to the Columbine Tragedy and has been a contributing expert to CNN, Fox News, NBC, CBS, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Men’s Fitness, Blender,  Maxim, and many other national media outlets. 

Do you think that’s one of the key mistakes older men make when they’re trying to approach, have sex, or date younger women? They blow their chances by pushing for sex too fast, and making their intentions too obvious?

Yes, absolutely, because of two factors. The first factor is the most significant problem men that over 40 have: they buy into a stigma that age matters. The second factor is an over-concentration on learning to be seductive and attractive, but leaving out a deep understanding of the psychology of women. Women are in many ways more complex psychologically than men, especially in how sexual attraction occurs. This is, in part, because of evolution. Men produce billions of sperm over a lifetime, but women have only between 200 and 300 viable eggs.

For men, we use pardon the pun the shotgun approach. We are sexually attracted to many, many women over our lifetime, even if we are committed to only one. We would be dishonest to not admit that we are sexually attracted to many. Meanwhile, a woman’s reproductive strategy is to be highly selective. Women are looking for a man they are sexually attracted to, but it’s also about a man’s ability to indicate friendship potential and commitment potential. Those are features of character. There is nothing out there that teaches you character development. So women need to feel you are sexually savvy, but they also need to have indications that you could be a good friend and be of high character. The high character tells the woman that you’re the type of guy that will stay around if she gets pregnant. Being of high character means that that sex will be special with you, not cheap, and it would be meaningful, lasting and a bonding experience—as opposed to a one-night stand.

Being able to show friendship and character are strengths of men who are 40 and above, because they’ve had a lot of life experience that gives them the opportunity to grow character. Having character makes him more attractive to younger women. Guys in their early 20s might just be up for one night stands. Generally, they don’t know what they want to do with their lives, don’t have much life experience, and haven’t had much of a chance to grow a rich and refined character. So there are strengths and weaknesses to an older man/younger woman pairing.

When you work with older guys, what sort of approach do you recommend when they’re looking to form relationships with younger women?

However you approach younger women, there are going to be foundational strategies that have nothing to do with your age or culture of origin that must occur, because sexual attraction doesn’t just “happen.” An older man needs to approach a younger woman in a way that is age appropriate for him. It’s not going to serve him well to wear crazy Hawaiian shirts or platform boots with blinking lights on them. That will make him look strange and uncomfortable, and it probably won’t suit his level of sophistication and maturity.

A lot of people in the men’s community would lead people to believe that it is possible to approach any woman any time and be successful. While it is possible to approach any woman at any time, and successfully get her attention, I think most guys want the ability to hold and maintain her attention and make her feel sexual attraction. Women are the ones who start this sexual attraction process. They give us what sociologists call “submission signals.” If they’re not giving off these signals, then the man isn’t doing his job correctly. He’s not triggering her to feel curiosity and attraction towards him.

So how does a 40+ man trigger curiosity in a 25-year-old woman in a way that will get her to send him those signals?

I would suggest a man might start talking to a woman over his shoulder, or from the side, because it conveys high self-esteem. You might wear one interesting article of clothing. You might have a lot of friends and know a lot of people in the environment, and she notices this about you. You can be indirect in your approach. It’s the opposite of walking up to a woman and basically implying to her, “You’re hot. I know you want me.” Rather, start a conversation that is stimulating and sophisticated. These would generally be the best approaches a man 40 and above could use.

What are some other important things older men need to understand about younger women?

Well, a women’s sense of femininity, identity, and passion for life is very much rooted in her sense of acceptance when she’s around other women. Anyone could observe this and say, “Yeah, women always have girlfriends and they like to be in their girlfriends’ good favor.” The reason and depth of this, however, goes back all the way to hunter/gatherer tribal times and evolution, and back to ancient times when men were out hunting and killing things and extending their territory, oftentimes in isolation from one another. Women would be gathered together back at the village, and if they did not develop a sophisticated sense of reading each other’s emotions and being accepted by the group of women, their lives would literally be in danger. If there wasn’t a lot of talk and communication between the women, a child could possibly die, or a tiger might show up and attack someone. This stuff is all rooted in evolution.

Today, we have a sophisticated society that is not ancient “hunter-gatherer” style, but we still retain these ancient instincts and reflexes. One of the core instincts of women is the need to belong, and be considered normal and accepted. So one of the biggest challenges, in approaching and dating younger women,  is the social stigma of an age difference. Is it considered by her and her peer group to be abnormal to date an older guy? Or can it be normal, if the guy has a really rich, fun personality and has something to bring to the table? This will also center on how mature the woman is, and the maturity of her peer group. Some very beautiful women, who have beautiful friends, are immature regardless of their age. The less mature a woman is, the more driven by instinct she is. Therefore, the less of an individual she is.

So you can be blocked from the get-go, simply because her peer group is immature and not accepting of older men?

Even if she’s mature, her immature peer group may still rule the day if you’re not able to win them over.  And it’s probably not going to work if her maturity level if far lower than yours. But this is okay, because why would you want to date an extremely immature young woman? This just leads to a high-maintenance and often co-dependent relationship.

This leads to the second mistake men tend to make when wanting to date younger women that they only value the woman’s physical beauty. If that’s all they value, then there is a large chance that they’re going to have a significant drain on their resources: their time, energy, and money. Oftentimes, very beautiful women carry with them a very immature state of character. They never quite feel like the man makes them look good to their friends. When they are immature and young, they value their friends far more than they could ever value an individual man.

So what are some concrete steps that our readers can take, in order to prepare themselves to go out and start dating quality younger women?

Well, I encourage men to not just take action, and not just get over their approach anxiety, but to also be very selective. Ignore beauty as the only criterion for all that you want in a woman, because if beauty is all that matters, then you’re going to do a lot of failing and lose a lot of resources. You have to care about how mature the woman is regardless of age or beauty, and how mature her peer group is, too, because her friends are going to have a very significant influence on her.  If you’re a 40-year-old construction worker, and she’s a 25-year-old grad student,  there is a fair chance that her peer group is used to being around older men and mentors, and are of higher sophistication and character. There is a much higher chance of success with that kind of woman. Even if you do not understand at all what her career is about, and you’re more of a blue collar type of guy, that’s a better match than you being a banker and dating a 25 year old model or actress who has no real career.

Thanks Dr. Paul, now let’s review the key points you’ve covered…

1. Friendship

Friendship is of the essence. It can’t just be about sexual attraction tactics. There has to be a way to form a friendship with a woman. If you look at what friendship is, it boils down to mutual positive emotion. It’s critical to boost her self-esteem.

Having a well-developed sense of humor is very important for older guys as they attempt to relate to younger women. The age range and cultural stigma greatly expands if a man is humorless. Humor becomes far more important than it ever was when you were 25, because you need to be able to form a friendship with a woman and make her feel positive and happy to be in your presence.

2. Be Unique

Anything that can make you unique sets you apart from all the wanna-bes. Cultural stigmas, and the maturity level of her and her friends, may present challenges—but you can overcome them with the strength of your life experiences. Your ability to be a speaker, to express yourself, to tell stories of your unique and broad life experiences, will automatically set you apart from the vast majority of younger men.

When it comes to alluring any women of any age, one of the first strategic steps is to be somewhat mysterious. This comes from the “female Oedipal period of life.” It’s the most primal core sexual attractor for women, regardless of your age or her age. The reason for this is that her very first encounter with masculinity came from her father. She came to view “daddy” as a powerful and somewhat mysterious figure. For the rest of her life, whatever pattern of communicating, loving and connecting with her dad—most importantly, her experiences with her father between ages three and six—she is going to unconsciously apply with every man she ever meets, falls in love with, or is ever sexually attracted to. Maintaining a level of mystery is the most powerful way to trigger these instincts in her—to make her want to win your affection and approval.

When talking to a woman, don’t put all your cards on the table. Don’t give her a verbal resume, or tell her everything about yourself. By doing so, you’re killing the mystery. As a cool, confident, sophisticated older guy, you have no need to “prove yourself” to younger women. The idea is to make her want to prove herself to you.

Dr. Paul Dobransky is a Chicago-based psychiatrist, author, and CEO of www.doctorpaul.net, specializing in the areas of trauma, men’s psychology, dating, relationships, and their missions in life. He is an innovator and inventor of unification theories of psychology, as well as a frequent teacher alongside David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss, Mystery, and most “men’s community gurus,” adding science and professionalism to the men’s community training programs at every opportunity.

He was a first-responder to the Columbine Tragedy and has been a contributing expert to CNN, Fox News, NBC, CBS, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Men’s Fitness, Blender,  Maxim, and many other national media outlets. 

Dr. Paul, I want to begin by asking you how you describe your role in this culture of professional pick-up artists and dating coaches.

The “men’s community,” as it is called on the dating and seduction-oriented websites, is a tiny subculture when you look at all of mainstream society. I’m more of a translator between the men’s community and mainstream society than I am a guru, marketer, or “mack daddy” who has a lot of tactics and tricks to show you.

I think there is a much bigger movement going on, than just learning to date. There are major cultural changes going on in Western society these days that has a lot to do with the pendulum swinging from empowering men for many centuries, to feminism, and now it has gone back to men who are asking, “What about us?” I think the men’s community is a symptom of something much bigger going on in our culture.  And the only “perfect” method a man can use, regardless of his age or what type of woman he wants to be with, really has to be his own method.

Are you speaking about how to help someone with self esteem issues? Or do you specifically help men to become more attractive to women?

Well first, let’s look at some of the lingo that is used in “the community.” In my opinion, things like inner game and outer game…these are not real. These are artificial terminologies that don’t apply scientifically to what’s really going on. They are just a means to develop types of product lines, so that there can be an “inner game” line of products and an “outer game” line of products.

In truth, it all works in sync with each other. When people talk about inner game, it’s just an artificial term that refers to a guy’s internal state of psychology, emotion, decision-making processes, and thoughts. Outer game is more what one does with his body language, and is more tactical. I think it is more useful to describe strategy versus tactics, in terms of accomplishing a goal. When I say “strategy, I’m talking about the bigger-picture view: the psychological processes that go on with men and women, and what gets them together.

Generally speaking, tactics can be numerous and as unique as every individual man. Tactics are what I actually physically and verbally do and say to implement strategies. I think that’s a better way to describe what is happening, and it’s more constructive than looking at it as inner and outer game. Because your inner game influences your outer game, and your outer game influences your inner game, and they are all mish-mashed together, in reality. Men often come to me about having learned some other guy’s “method” and they’ve found that while the method may work for the guru who created it, it doesn’t work for him.

There is also a lot of talk in the men’s community about what people call, “being authentic.” Or “character-driven game.” This simply means that we need to be authentic and our real selves, while simultaneously working on having better skills with the tools we naturally bring to bear. So I‘ll work with those guys to set them straight, and help them to become more authentic as individual men.

Ultimately, every guy who comes to work with me walks away with his own method, which only works for him and can’t be successfully imitated by someone else.

The second kind of guy who works with me tends to be older. This is because I’m not a guy who teaches how to only have a one-night stand or just get laid. I’m more about teaching men to be sophisticated and mature, and enjoy a rich dating life.

With these older guys, do you see a common pattern of mistakes that they make with younger women? 

Yes, and I believe it’s something that only science can fix. When I use the word “science” I mean what I’m teaching is based on formal education and training at mental health fields or behavioral health fields, and philosophy as well.

There are too many variables to account for, so I don’t believe in hard and fast “rules,” such as that a man needs to wait three days before returning a call to a younger woman. Again, there are just too many variables to account for. It depends on what kind of woman she is, her personality, and what her maturity level is. Then you’ve got to ask, what is the 40 year old man’s personality and maturity level, and what culture do they live in? With men who are age 40 and above, are many personal factors combined with cultural forces that are in play—and in our society, this tends to stigmatize him in a way that didn’t happen in the past.

These ways of cultural stigmatization may have happened to older women in the past, and don’t today. Take the cultural phenomenon, for instance, of “Sex in the City.” The popularity of that TV show and movie empower women. In some ways its popularity can be interpreted as disempowering men, especially men who are in their 40s and above. It disempowers men in that it reinforces the belief that men should date women their own age. The unwritten cultural protocol, or rule, is that there is an acceptable age difference for marrying, dating, or having sex with women. If the age difference is larger than that limit (even though the woman is of legal age), it’s then considered strange or wrong or unethical.

So the number one problem I think men 40 and above have is that they buy into local, recent, cultural rules or trends about what is okay versus, what is not okay in dating. Men feel a sense of shame or guilt if they go against these “rules,” even if they’re just doing what is natural to them.

One of the principles I teach in my live seminars is that we tend to attract those to us who are of a similar maturity level, regardless of age. We as human beings have a different psychological age on the inside than our chronological age on the outside. Everyone, for example, has had a boss who might be 50, but behaves like he’s 18. Or we have had an uncle or aunt who are 40 and act like they are 17. It doesn’t matter what a person’s chronological age is. What matters is their psychological age.

In terms of attraction and dating, what matters is how old women are on the inside. It could be just as ethically wrongful for a 28-year-old man to date a 28-year-old woman who on the inside is only as mature as a 13-year-old girl. It is legal, but kind of unethical in a way because she is so immature and mismatched to him. The younger and more immature a woman is, the more impressionable she is. So there is a stigma about chronological age which men 40 and above need to get over. Your chronological age doesn’t really matter; it’s about psychological age and maturity, yours and hers.

You must deal with quite a few men who have social phobias and feel awkward around women, which gets even worse if they’re trying to interact with a hot young babe. The younger and hotter she is, the more intense his anxiety gets…

Yes, definitely. That’s something that needs to be separated out from this cultural stigma that I am talking about. When a guy officially has a social phobia he will tend to get actual anxiety symptoms that are way above and beyond what the average man will experience in approaching an attractive woman. He might even get panic attacks, chest palpitations, heavy breathing, sweating, and shakiness in the fingers. I do get quite a few guys coming to me with these problems, and it’s  an actual medical situation.

But underneath that, as you know well, men have for millions of years had an evolutionary reflex built into us. No matter how confident we are, or sophisticated, or mature or experienced, all men have at least a twinge of approach anxiety. That has evolved over millions of years because, if you were to look at ancient tribal living among men and women, or even in gorilla populations, there would be one Alpha Male who dominates the whole society and mates with 80% of the females, leaving the other 20% for the rest of the male populace to compete for. So what evolved in males, whether gorilla or human, is a survival or self-preserving instinct that makes them very careful, anxious, and tentative about approaching any female for the first time. What if she “belongs,” so to speak, to the Alpha Male? He could be killed just for making a move on her.  There is a real survival mechanism that has evolved into this “approach anxiety” problem.

So when women look at men and say, “What’s their problem, aren’t they confident enough? Why are they afraid of approaching us? What’s the matter with that guy—is he an scared, low self-esteem guy?” Well, these women are wrong. There is nothing wrong with the man at all. He might be very confident, but also very masculine and tuned into his natural masculine reflexes, which often include approach anxiety. Therefore, approach anxiety is very different than social anxiety disorder. Those need to be separated. One is normal and one is not.

So for the men reading this, how can they tell if they have a normal fear of  approaching women, or if it’s a deeper issue? When I coach guys, I ask them how they feel if they even think about approaching a woman and a lot of them say they feel fear.

Well, it comes down to physical symptoms. If a very confident guy gets a little twinge of anxiety when he’s looking at a beautiful woman and wanting to approach her, he can get over that with standard behavioral therapy techniques.  When you’re comparing normal anxiety to an actual medical disorder like social anxiety disorder, or social phobia, the difference is the physical symptoms. Sweating and shaking, heart palpitations, and heavy breathing are all physical things. Those symptoms are what let you know it may be a medical-grade anxiety, as opposed to normal male instincts.  Some degree of approach anxiety is normal,  even among the most confident men.

Do you have any tips for overcoming this normal form of approach anxiety?

One thing that helps men get over approach anxiety is the 3-second rule, where as soon as you see a woman you’re interested in, you ignore the anxiety and give yourself only three seconds to just go and talk to her. What this really translates to, in terms of psychology and behavioral therapy, is courage. Behavioral therapy is about training people to do courageous acts. Courage is the key for men who do not have medical-grade anxiety. Courage is about doing it no matter how bad it feels, and no matter how uncertain you are. You then find that you don’t die. And if you can’t die from doing an action, then you win no matter what. You win a type of emotional energy called confidence.

I think inner game is rooted in self-esteem: your opinion of yourself. Do you have any tips on how to raise a guy’s self esteem?

I use a lot of mathematics and equations to explain things. So I have developed a definition for self-esteem in terms of a mathematical formula. Self-esteem happens to be two types of energy, and we need them in equal amounts. It is well-being, plus confidence. Well-being is a motherly, nurturing kind of emotion—a sense of having enough money, friends, creativity, free time, rest, health.

Confidence is an energy that is sort of fatherly. It is an emotional sense that you  can handle whatever comes your way. You think, “I can tolerate any risk, change,  or potential loss that comes my way.” If you lack one or both of these types of emotional energy then you do not have complete self-esteem, and you are not happy. Furthermore, you are not able to be a good friend to others.

Some methods out there talk about the steps of seduction and dating, and one of the popular phrases is the “comfort phase” (using methods to make a woman feel a sense of comfort with you). I think it’s an inaccurate term. I use the term “friendship” to describe this instead. Ultimately, if a woman does not sense friendship from you, then you are potentially a “seducer” or a “player.” You’re not a potential date, nor a potential man in her life. There must be a friendship aspect. The word “comfort” in this instance is kind of narrow and silly, because it implies  that the interaction is just going to lead to a one-night stand or a seduction. I’m talking about something deeper and richer than that.

Friendship is shared positive emotion. It’s raising someone else’s self esteem, while raising your self-esteem in the process. That transaction, literally, is the scientific description of what love is. Love is different than desire or passion. Love is a feature of friendship.

You need to be friends with a woman in order to get all the rest of it. If a man is 40, wanting to date a 25-year old or if he’s 25, wanting to date a 25 year old he’s got to find ways to strike up that “friendship vibe.” If that’s not there, then the age difference under the influence of our cultural rules—is going to make the 40-year-old look like a dirty old man.

“You just missed a major catfight over by the bathrooms. Two girls were going at it. Hair pulling, scratching, it was nasty…I bet you five bucks it was over some guy.”

OK, now here’s an example of a good Qualifier that implies you’re trying to determine whether she’s worthy of your attention.

(Remember, the concept behind “Qualifying” questions and statements is that you are the one passing judgment…not her…because you’re a guy with a lot of options.)

“You seem like someone who doesn’t take herself too seriously—you work hard, but you play hard, too.”

She will almost agree with this. (If by some chance she says “no,” then you know right off the bat this chick probably isn’t much fun.)

If she says “yes,” you’re now going to REWARD her. You’re going to imply that maybe she’s cool enough to enter your circle.

Tell her, “That’s good to know, because I can’t be around uptight people.”

There are all types of ways to test her, tease her, and make her QUALIFY herself to you. This mentality is completely different from how 90% of men interact with women. The average guy is worried the whole time about being cool enough to be in HER circle.

Remember, the larger the space that you create from pushing, the more space there is for you to pull her back towards you. This makes your rewards more emotionally intense and pleasurable.

Let’s say you work at a company, and you have a subordinate who is always kissing your ass and telling you how great you are at your job. This wouldn’t give you any emotional high. In fact, it would probably get annoying. But now let’s say you’ve got a  boss who holds your work to extremely high standards, and is almost impossible to please. If you receive a compliment from him, you feel elated.

And, like a hit from a drug, you’ll want to experience that feeling again. You’ll be motivated to work extra hard, in order to get more validation from your critical boss…and because you’d hate to disappoint him.

When you cast yourself in the “boss” role with women…when they feel the need to meet your standards…you’re winning the game. You’re in control.

On the flip side, when YOU are obviously trying to impress HER, what you’re really admitting is that you know she’s not impressed with you yet.

Instead, assume she is impressed with you. Now it’s up to her to demonstrate she is on your level.

Some other “tests” to throw her way:

“I don’t know if you can handle a guy like me. Are you a spontaneous, adventurous type of person?”

If she says she is spontaneous, reward her by saying something, ”That’s cool. There are still some things I want to find out about you, but so far, so good.”

If she is reluctant to say yes, or says “it depends,” then here’s a way to push her (and have some fun):

“So on a scale of 1-10, how adventurous would you say you are?”

 She’ll probably give an answer in the 6-8 range. Now, knock her down a peg. If she says “7,” say,

“Really? I would have figured you for a 6. Let me ask you a question. I find that women who are spontaneous are the best kissers. Would you say you’re a good kisser?”

If she says “yes” (which most women will), say “Good, because I have a policy from now on that I can only date women who know how to kiss. Doesn’t that suck—when you meet someone that you’re totally attracted to, but then when you kiss them for the first time, they’re terrible at it?

The “good kisser” question might sound too forward with a girl you just met five minutes ago, but it isn’t if you’ve already gotten her to agree that she is spontaneous and adventurous.

Once you’ve gotten her to verbally commit to being a certain type of girl, she is going to try to be consistent with this behavior. It’s a quirk of human nature. This is a compliance tactic that sales professionals use: get the customer to verbally commit to being something.

For example, the salesmen on the car lot might say to his prospect: “Mr. Johnson, I can tell you’re a man who appreciates the finer things, and you know a luxury vehicle can be worth every penny. Am I right?”

Once Mr. Johnson agrees—yes, he’s that type of guy he’s more likely to be receptive to the expensive vehicles that the salesman shows to him. The customer wants to be consistent with the label that has been applied to him.

When you apply labels to women, and get them to agree, they’ll want to be consistent with that label. This makes it easier for you to make them comply with your suggestions.

Examples of labels you’ll want her to agree to:

• Spontaneous
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• Adventurous
• Up for a challenge
• Naughty (she has a “bad girl” side)
• Trusting and sincere
• The life of the party
• Classy & sophisticated
• Deep and spiritual

It’s also cool to establish that you’ve got one of these qualities in common with her: “That’s awesome that you’re always up for a challenge. I’m the exact same way. I thrive off of challenges, which I why I’m so into achieving this goal right now…” (transition into a discussion about a goal of yours, and then talk to her about her goals).

Or, you might say to the girl you’ve labeled as “spontaneous”: “This bar is cool, but the energy is kind of low tonight. I’m in the mood for something fun, something different. I know you’re Miss Spontaneous, and you’re always up for an adventure—so c’mon, let’s try this other place…”

Take her from environment A (where you met her), and to a completely different environment (a different bar or club), and now the two of you are basically on your first date. You’re not just some random, ordinary guy she met in a bar twenty minutes ago…you’re her partner on an adventure tonight.

You can also use this label when it’s time to arrange your next meet with her. For example, you say to her on the phone: “Sarah, I know you’re a sophisticated, classy girl you told me so—so I know you’re going to love this art gallery opening I’m going to on Friday night. Why don’t you come with me, meet me at my house at seven and we’ll roll together.”

You might think that beautiful younger women, who are used to always getting their way, want a man they can control a guy who won’t question her, and will generally treat her like a princess.

But actually, deep-down, women don’t like guys who give them anything they want, and bend over backwards to please them. Women do not feel comfortable in relationships with these types of guys, because they need to feel that they’re with a guy who possesses emotional strength.

What a woman yearns for is a guy who is in firm control of himself, his world, and his relationships. She gets turned on by a guy who isn’t afraid to verbally “spank” her when she gets out of line. A guy who isn’t timid or tentative, who says what’s on his mind and gives her direction.

When you kiss a woman’s ass to get her to stay with you, she is more likely to leave. When a woman starts whining about some trivial problem and you act all concerned and sympathetic, she only gets more dramatic and hysterical.

The confident older man can’t be bothered with that nonsense. And women will feel reassured when you demonstrate that you’re a calm, cool decision maker who doesn’t get drawn into silly, emotional arguments.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about…

HER: “I hate that bitch Lisa at my job. She’s such a back-stabber, she’s been spreading rumors again…” (Blah, blah…)

(You listen patiently for a few minutes. Nod your head sympathetically and caress her hand. Let her vent, and run out of gas…and then step in and lay out the solution.)

YOU: “Look. Tomorrow you’re going to take Lisa aside, and you’re going to calmly explain to her that it’s important to keep things on a professional level at your work, and neither of you have time to engage in petty gossip. As for right now, let’s grab another drink and I want to tell you about this really funny experience I had yesterday.” (Steer her onto a light, pleasant topic.)Another point to remember, as you keep the idea of control in mind…

Confident Older Men Don’t “Court” Women. They Seduce Them In Environments They Control.

When you take women out on “traditional dates,” you’re playing the game on their terms. Forget about spending a bunch of cash on taking her to dinner and movie. (These days, you practically need a bank loan to buy popcorn, candy and sodas for two people.)

Instead, invite her to have drinks at a cool, off-the-radar spot which you can introduce her to. (In my “Ultimate Edition” book at Mack Tactics, I talk about the importance of having three or four special “date spots” that you can bring women to.)These places should be off the beaten path and have unique qualities, and you should be highly familiar with them. (Be on a first name basis with some of the staff, and ideally be friends with the manager/owner).

By bringing women into these environments, you’re showing them something new, and demonstrating that you’re a knowledgeable guy who will broaden their horizons.) If you don’t drink alcohol, make it coffee—but make it an independent coffee shop with a funky atmosphere, not a Starbucks.

It’s also usually better to invite her to do something with you, rather than ask her on a “date.” The whole idea of “going out on a date” carries with it certain expectations and pressures, doesn’t it? It’s much more chill to say to a girl, “I need to do some shopping this weekend…I need to pick up some new jeans, and a birthday gift for a friend. I’d love to get your advice, so why don’t we go together. If you help me pick out some things, lunch is on me.”

BONUS TIP: MAKE HER COME INTO YOUR WORLD

When most guys are interested in a woman, they try to win acceptance into her world. This is a critical mistake. An example would be: you meet a girl, and she invites you to “tag along” with her at a birthday party she is invited to.

You’re eager to spend time with this girl, so you go along with her. But you have an awkward time at the party. You don’t know anyone there, and she’s too busy catching up with her friends to spend much time talking to you.

Meanwhile, you’re not only trying to be cool and “score points” with the girl who brought you—you’ve also got to prove yourself to all of her friends.

You don’t want to find yourself in this type of situation. Once you’re sleeping with a girl and she wants to bring you to meet her friends, cool, no problem. But in the early stages, where you’re trying to build up her attraction and seduce her, it’s important for you to project a sense of control over your environment—because being in control is a deeply attractive male quality.

You want to take her into your world, and introduce her to people who already like and admire you. Hang out with her in environments where you’ve got built-in social proof. For a while, one of my best “date spots” was a business mixer that was held at an upscale bar/restaurant every Tuesday night. Free food, wine, and a cool crowd of young, sophisticated, successful people—many of whom I was friends with.

Every time I introduced my date to one of these people I knew, I gained value in her eyes. She couldn’t help but be impressed that I knew all of these smart, attractive women, and sharp, successful men—all of whom were happy to see me.

OK, on to my next point about controlling the way you date…When you want to make plans with her, don’t put the ball in her court. Don’t ever make it seem like you’re available whenever SHE has time to hang out. Project the sense that you’re a busy guy with lots of stuff going on, but you’re willing to fit her into YOUR schedule.

For example:

Weak Move: “I was thinking, maybe if you’re free later in the week, we could see a movie or something…”

You want to build a real connection with her, and that connection is not going to develop on the phone. View the phone as a tool to make plans with women, or confirm plans. It is not a substitute for real conversation and vibing.

Any personal information that you reveal about yourself should be done in person. Hour-long phone calls, in which you exchange your entire biographies, means you’ll have far fewer things to talk about when you get together.

Don’t broadcast the fact that you are single and looking. If she asks if you’ve been “seeing anyone,” you should give an answer like, “I’ve been seeing some different people, but nothing serious. I’m looking for a person I feel the right connection with, and I’m not in any hurry.”

I admit, I used to break this rule all the time. I’d meet a girl, we’d start vibing, and within five or ten minutes she would ask me (usually in an indirect way) if I had a girlfriend. (Women have various sneaky ways to ask this question.) I would take the bait and immediately tell her that I was single — broadcasting the fact that I was completely available, because I thought this would make her view me as a “possible boyfriend option.”

Now I know better. You NEVER want her to think you’re completely 100% unattached and available, because it only implies negative things about you.

The suspicious side of her female brain doesn’t say, “Wow, that’s good news. He’s single, and I’m single – we might have something here. Her radar is more likely to tell her, “So what’s the catch? What’s wrong with this guy? How come he’s not dating anyone? Is he some weirdo stalker? Is he broke? Is he a closet homosexual?” etc. (Yes, some pretty wild thoughts do run through a woman’s head when she is trying to evaluate you.)

These days, I’m actually juggling so many different women that I’ve started telling girls I meet that I do have a girlfriend, but we’ve been having problems lately and taking some “time off.” (Which is a little white lie, admittedly.) You’d be surprised how many women who will go for a guy who tells them up front he’s involved with another girl.

This actually attracts a significant percentage of women because it presents you as a challenge—a man who is in demand, and has options. She knows you’re desirable (by saying you’ve got a girlfriend, this is implied), and due to her competitive female nature, when things move to the bedroom she’s going to want to give you hotter sex than your “girlfriend” does.

A man always gets better sex from his mistress than he does from his wife. Why? Because the mistress has something to prove. She has a challenge to rise to; his wife knows she already won the game a long time ago, and therefore has no incentive to rock his world.

These statements won’t earn me any points with the feminists, but it’s the stone cold truth.